September 10, 2026
Who Are You Becoming?
I’ve always found the phrase “that’s just who I am” interesting. It sounds definitive. It sounds like somebody has reached the end of the conversation about themselves. But the older I get, the less I believe that identity works that way.
Who we are is constantly being shaped by what we pay attention to, what we tolerate, the environments we spend time in, the habits we build and the meaning we assign to our experiences. Some of it happens consciously. A lot of it doesn’t.
In a recent conversation with Steffany, she described identity as a living architecture, and that landed for me. We are continually building and rebuilding ourselves, whether we realize it or not. She broke that architecture into three identity stances: opinion-based, performative and purposeful.
We all begin with some degree of opinion-based identity. We learn about ourselves through parents, teachers, coaches, friends, colleagues and culture. Other people hold up mirrors for us. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. The problem comes when we become so dependent on those mirrors that approval becomes the thing determining who we are.
Then there is the performative identity. I don’t mean pretending to be somebody you’re not. I mean consciously developing the person capable of achieving what you say you want. If you want to become a successful business owner, leader, athlete, speaker, spouse or parent, at some point you have to ask yourself: Who do I have to become to do this well?
That person may need habits, skills and behaviours you don’t currently have. At first, they may even feel unnatural. That’s growth.
Five Key Takeaways
- Identity is not fixed. You are continually building and refining who you are.
- Other people’s opinions can inform you without defining you.
- Your current identity may not be capable of producing your next result.
- Trying on new behaviours is not necessarily inauthentic. It can be part of growth.
- Purpose gives identity direction by connecting who you are becoming to what truly matters to you.
The third stance Steffany described is purposeful identity. This is where the conversation gets especially interesting for me because purpose changes the reason behind what we do.
Fitness is a simple personal example. Years ago, part of my motivation for staying fit was vanity. I wanted to look good, and I liked to eat. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that. Those motivations helped create habits that served me well.
Today, there’s another layer. At this stage of my life, I want to demonstrate what someone my age can still accomplish physically. I want somebody to look at me and think, “If he can do it, maybe I can too.” The behaviour may look similar from the outside, but the identity behind it has evolved.
That’s why I think one of the most valuable questions we can ask ourselves is not simply, “Who am I?”
Ask instead: Who am I being right now, and is that person capable of creating the life I say I want?
If the answer is no, that doesn’t mean the goal is impossible.
Maybe it means the architecture needs some work.
