November 21, 2023
The Quest for Identity: Understanding Who We Are Beyond What We Do
It’s a common belief that our jobs, our relationships, and the roles we play in society define us. But what happens when those roles change or disappear? Who are we then? This is a question many grapple with both consciously and subconsciously, and it’s at the heart of what I want to touch on here.
“Clarity equals velocity,” a phrase I often use, rings especially true when it comes to understanding ourselves. The clearer we are about who we are, the faster we can move toward living our true potential. Clarity in our identity speeds up our journey to both personal and professional development and growth, but achieving that clarity requires alignment.
In this context, alignment is about the congruence of our values, expectations, and actions. It’s the wheel alignment of our lives. In a car, when our wheels are aligned, we can drive down the highway at high speed, safely, efficiently, and effectively. But if they’re not, we’re always at risk of drifting off the road the minute we loosen our grip on the wheel, and it slows us down. This metaphor extends to every aspect of our lives—our careers, our relationships, and our personal growth.
Consider a young, enthusiastic entrepreneur I spoke with, who realized his wife wasn’t on the same page as him regarding his business aspirations. Here, the lack of alignment in personal values and expectations was causing friction. This is a prime example of how misalignment can affect our relationships or business or career and, by extension, our identity.
Alignment isn’t always about agreement. It’s possible to align with others without compromising your values. It’s about finding that common ground where everyone’s needs are met, even in disagreement. This is where emotional regulation becomes crucial. It’s the ability to manage our responses to ensure that, even when we don’t agree, we can still move forward together with respect and a shared vision. In a high performance team a statement of ‘I don’t agree but I align’ is still a statement of the team being on the same page.
When we speak about alignment, we’re talking about the emotional maturity to co-regulate with a partner or team member, ensuring that both parties are moving towards the outcome together. It’s about having the self-awareness to understand our emotions and regulate our responses. If we can achieve this, we can align without agreeing, without compromising, and that’s a powerful place to be.
But what about when we face an identity crisis? When the roles we’ve so closely tied to our sense of self are no longer there? This is where the work of self-awareness becomes invaluable. Ask yourself, “What do I need that I’m not getting?” Often, our frustration comes from unmet expectations, which are unexpressed assumptions. If we can address these head-on, we can begin to untangle our identities from our roles.
If we’re not careful, we risk defining our identity solely by what we do. But who we are is far more complex and nuanced. It’s a blend of our passions, values, beliefs, and experiences. It’s the intangible essence that remains when the external roles are stripped away.
So, how do we navigate this journey of self-discovery? It starts with the willingness to ask the hard questions and the courage to face the answers. It requires us to look inward, to peel away the layers of titles and roles, and to discover the core of our being.
In this quest, communication is our compass. It’s through open, honest dialogue—both with ourselves and with others—that we can begin to understand our true identities. And with this understanding comes the freedom to align our paths with our deepest values, rather than the fleeting roles we play.
As we move through life’s changes, let’s do so with integrity and a strong sense of self. Let’s embrace the idea that our actions and what we do for a living don’t define us—they simply reflect the part of our identity we choose to express at any given moment, by what we do.
In conclusion, our identity is not what we do, but rather the values and principles that guide us in being who we are. It’s the unique combination of traits that makes us who we are. As we continue to evolve and grow, let’s remain committed to self-awareness and alignment, for they are the true drivers of a fulfilled and authentic life.