July 23, 2026
Who Do You Have to Become?
One of the questions I’ve been asking people for years is, “Who do you have to become to achieve the goal you’ve set?” It’s a simple question, but I’ve noticed it often catches people off guard because most of us are conditioned to think about goals in terms of what we need to do. We make lists. We buy books. We learn new skills. We work harder. Those things matter, but they all come after something more fundamental.
If the life you’re trying to create is significantly different from the one you’re living today, there’s a good chance it requires a different version of you.
That’s where change becomes uncomfortable.
Most people don’t struggle because they aren’t capable of changing. They struggle because changing your identity is very different from changing your habits. Habits are relatively easy to understand. Identity is personal. It shapes how we see ourselves, how other people see us, and how we move through the world. When that begins to shift, it can feel as though the ground beneath you is moving.
Steffany and I talked about this on the podcast because it’s something we’ve both experienced personally, and it’s something we’ve watched countless clients experience over the years. We call it the identity gap. It’s that period where you’ve started to leave your old way of thinking behind, but you haven’t quite settled into the person you’re becoming. It’s an awkward place to be because the old feels too small, but the new still feels unfamiliar.
I’ve seen this play out with entrepreneurs who are growing their businesses. They’re no longer the person who can do everything themselves, but they haven’t yet become comfortable leading a team. I’ve seen it with executives stepping into leadership roles. Yesterday they were one of the group. Today they’re responsible for the group. Nothing has changed physically, but everything has changed internally because the way they have to show up is different.
The same thing happens outside of business.
Sometimes it’s someone deciding they want to improve their health. Sometimes it’s a relationship that asks more of them than they’ve ever been willing to give. Sometimes it’s simply reaching the point where they know the life they’re living no longer reflects the person they want to be.
What makes this difficult isn’t usually the work itself. It’s the uncertainty.
We like certainty because it’s predictable. We know who we are. We know what people expect from us. We know where we fit. The moment we begin changing, all of that becomes a little less clear. Friends may not understand. Family members may question what’s going on. Even the conversations we’ve always enjoyed can begin to feel different because we’re no longer interested in the same things.
That can be lonely.
I don’t think we talk about that enough in personal development. We often celebrate the outcome, but we skip over the season where you’re wondering whether you’re making the right decisions. We skip over the period where you’re questioning yourself just as much as anyone else is questioning you.
I remember going through my own version of that years ago. My family has heard me joke that they thought I’d joined a cult. We laugh about it now, but underneath the humour was a real disconnect. I was changing. They didn’t quite understand why, and to be fair, I probably couldn’t have explained it very well myself. I just knew I couldn’t keep seeing the world the way I always had. Looking back, I don’t think anyone was wrong. We were simply standing in different places.
That’s another lesson I’ve learned. Not everyone is meant to make the same journey at the same time.
Sometimes we expect the people around us to celebrate our growth, but our growth changes the relationship. If you’ve always been the easy-going person who says yes to everything, don’t be surprised when people react the first time you start saying no. If you’ve always been the person who plays small, don’t expect everyone to applaud when you decide to think bigger. Your decision asks other people to adjust too, and not everyone is ready for that.
It doesn’t mean they’re bad people.
It doesn’t even mean they don’t care about you.
It may simply mean they’re more comfortable with the version of you they’ve always known.
One of the biggest shifts I’ve experienced over the years has been recognizing how much our environment influences who we become. We often think change is about willpower, but willpower eventually runs out. Environment keeps working long after motivation fades. The people you spend time with, the conversations you have, the standards that surround you, and the expectations within your environment all reinforce an identity. If that environment reflects the person you’re trying to become, growth feels more natural. If it constantly reinforces the person you’re trying to leave behind, every step forward feels like you’re pulling a heavy weight.
That doesn’t mean you have to walk away from everyone you’ve known. It does mean you should be intentional about the influences you allow into your life.
As coaches, Steffany and I often see people waiting until they feel confident before they make a change. In my experience, confidence usually comes afterwards. It grows from keeping promises to yourself, making difficult decisions, and discovering that you can handle more than you thought you could. We don’t become confident first and then act. More often, we act despite the uncertainty, and confidence quietly catches up.
Perhaps that’s why I no longer see discomfort as something to avoid. If anything, I get a little curious when everything feels too comfortable. Comfort has its place, but growth rarely lives there. Growth asks us to rethink old assumptions, challenge familiar patterns, and become willing to see ourselves differently.
So maybe the question isn’t whether change is hard. We already know it is.
The better question might be this:
Who do you need to become to create the life you say you want?
Once you answer that honestly, the next question becomes even more important.
Are you willing to be misunderstood while you become that person?
5 Key Takeaways
- Every meaningful goal asks something of your identity.
Changing your circumstances usually begins with changing the way you see yourself and the way you choose to show up. - The identity gap is a normal part of growth.
Feeling uncertain or disconnected doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong path. It often means you’re between the person you’ve been and the person you’re becoming. - Your environment reinforces your identity.
The people, conversations, and standards that surround you either support your growth or continually pull you back toward familiar patterns. - Confidence is usually the result of change, not the prerequisite.
Waiting until you feel completely ready often means waiting forever. Confidence grows through action and experience. - Growth requires a willingness to be misunderstood.
Not everyone will understand the choices you’re making, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to gain everyone’s approval. It’s to become the person your future requires.
